Episode 95
Why Your One-on-Ones Might Be a Waste of Time
Are your one-on-one meetings actually making a difference, or are they just a checkbox on your to-do list? In this episode, Dennis, Leah, and Paul dive into the uncomfortable truth about one-on-one meetings. They explore why half of these meetings never happen and why the other half might not be as effective as you think. Discover how to transform these interactions from obligatory chats into meaningful conversations that drive real results. Connect With Us Website: ConnectAndConvertPodcast.com Got a "true confession" or a question you want us to cover? Email connectandconvert@wizardofads.com
Transcript
I went and looked at the calendars, and I checked to see how many meetings were scheduled and how many one-on-ones were canceled.
Dennis:You know what I found?
Dennis:50%, 5-0, half the meetings that were scheduled never happened.
Dennis:They
Leah:And
Dennis:never happened.
Leah:they never re-fragiled them?
Leah:You just canceled them?
Dennis:Was it me? It was my managers.
Dennis:I was looking at their schedule.
Dennis:My managers,
Dennis:the guys that work for me, guys and gals,
Leah:Okay.
Dennis:said they wanted to do one-on-ones with people.
Dennis:I said, sure,
Leah:Yeah.
Dennis:go ahead.
Dennis:And then I monitored and to see how many actually happened.
Leah:Okay,
Dennis:Yes.
Leah:were you doing one-on-ones with them too?
Leah:Like, trickle down you,
Leah:okay.
Dennis:Yep.
Leah:Did you happen to have any meetings with them?
Leah:Did you?
Dennis:No, I didn't do that. Leah,
Dennis:do you know me better than that?
Dennis:I wouldn't
Leah:Well,
Dennis:kick.
Leah:Leah:
I'm wondering,
Dennis:I
Leah:where did they learn this behavior?
Leah:I'm constantly,
Dennis:don't
Leah:I would love
Dennis:know,
Leah:Dennis:
madam.
Leah:Dennis:
Leah, I don't know,
Dennis:but they,
Dennis:here's the deal.
Leah:a one-on-one with you.
Leah:Geez.
Dennis:So here,
Dennis:let me go,
Dennis:let me tell you this. In the weeks that the meetings happened,
Dennis:when they actually occurred,
Dennis:not my meetings, but their meetings,
Dennis:I checked and found out nothing was different.
Dennis:So nothing was different between the weeks the meetings did happen and the weeks they didn't happen.
Dennis:So obviously,
Dennis:as the leader,
Dennis:my question was,
Dennis:why the hell do you say you're going to do these meetings?
Dennis:50% of the time you don't do it. So you're not,
Dennis:you know, you're setting an expectation and you're not fulfilling it.
Dennis:What changed?
Dennis:Nothing.
Dennis:So why not delete all the one-on-ones?
Dennis:So I found one-on-ones are useless.
Dennis:They're held for the wrong reasons.
Paul:Whoa,
Dennis:They
Paul:whoa, whoa, whoa, wait,
Dennis:don't matter.
Paul:wait, wait, wait, yeah,
Paul:how, wait, you just said, you just said you were having one-on-ones with your own, with your, with your leaders,
Paul:right?
Paul:And you just said they're worthless.
Paul:Explain that to me.
Dennis:Fine weren't worthless.
Paul:Okay,
Paul:but there's a, okay,
Paul:why were they not worthless?
Dennis:Well,
Dennis:I'm not going to tell you that secret just now.
Dennis:Well, I have my own opinion up
Leah:oh
Dennis:to that.
Leah:you know what paul
Dennis:I'll tell
Leah:it's
Dennis:you what.
Leah:like they said well i'll throw a tire i got four tires on my vehicle and one of them's flat so i'm getting rid of all the tires
Leah:All the tires are going because that flat tire is so good to me.
Leah:So they're all wrong.
Paul:Hold
Dennis:I
Paul:on.
Dennis:like that, Leah.
Dennis:Good idea.
Dennis:Okay,
Dennis:now you guys have all at some point in your careers had one-on-ones, right?
Dennis:You've had to do a one-on-one with a boss.
Dennis:What do you think? Useless or useful?
Leah:It depends on the meeting. You do it so that it makes sense, so that it's a process that works.
Leah:If there's no change
Dennis:Okay.
Leah:from it, then that's garbage.
Leah:It's like I watch TV sometimes.
Leah:I don't watch stupid TV. I watch smart TV.
Leah:I know that shocks
Dennis:Of
Leah:people.
Dennis:course you do.
Leah:But you
Dennis:You
Leah:can't.
Dennis:would never do anything stupid.
Leah:No,
Leah:I don't get rid of all the tires on my car because I have one flat.
Leah:A: Okay.
Leah:One-on-ones, I mean,
Leah:in the name, it's your opportunity to talk with somebody who you're working for or who's working
Dennis:But
Leah:for you.
Dennis:Leah,
Leah:And
Dennis:they're
Leah:they just
Dennis:not making a difference.
Dennis:I determine they weren't making a difference.
Paul:At any point in time,
Dennis:easy for you to say.
Paul:between you and your leaders or the leaders and them,
Paul:was it set up in such a way that this is the purpose for the one-on-one?
Paul:This is what we're trying to achieve each and every week.
Dennis:Yeah, it was.
Paul:It was.
Dennis:It was kind of a status report.
Paul:Okay.
Paul:And was there a
Dennis:So
Paul:template
Dennis:what's going
Paul:of
Dennis:on? So the question was,
Dennis:well,
Dennis:no,
Dennis:I don't know if there was an official template, but it was something like,
Dennis:okay,
Dennis:what's going on? What's on your plate?
Dennis:What's happened?
Dennis:You know, it was something like that.
Dennis:That's a great setup,
Dennis:isn't it?
Paul:It's a loose,
Leah:Oh,
Paul:it's
Leah:it's
Paul:a very loose
Leah:like
Paul:setup.
Leah:following a recipe. I'm going to put a little this and a little that and a little, if you've never done it before,
Leah:no,
Leah:that's, that's, that's crap.
Dennis:Well,
Dennis:it goes something like this. What's on your plate? What's going on? Okay,
Dennis:these 10 things. Okay,
Dennis:so what do you need for me?
Dennis:Nothing,
Dennis:boss.
Dennis:I don't need anything from you.
Dennis:Okay, great job.
Leah:If the people you're having your one-on-one with, and I'm talking to managers and owners here right now, if they don't value time with you,
Leah:they shouldn't be working for you.
Leah:If you are not giving them something valuable,
Leah:if they're not coming to the table saying,
Leah:help me with this, I need your help, this is an opportunity I have, do you have any ideas?
Leah:I've worked at a place and they use the term humble student mode.
Leah:That means I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing, but I'm still going to ask.
Leah:Ask somebody else.
Paul:Okay, well, hold on. I love you, Leah.
Paul:That is so Canadian.
Dennis:Oh, boy.
Leah:Beautiful. Look at the rap. Absolutely.
Paul:Exactly.
Dennis:Now we're getting into,
Dennis:oh boy.
Paul:I do not know. Actually,
Paul:I do know, but for the most part,
Paul:I do not know any American who is going to go to their boss on their first few days or weeks or even months and say,
Paul:boss,
Paul:I want you to tell me and teach me. There's no way.
Paul:There's not no way.
Dennis:only you know why one of the main reasons because you look you look foolish you look like you don't know what the hell you're doing it's a sign of weakness
Leah:come with your hat and hand you you come with okay i kind of think this is how i should be changing this tire what do you think is this the right solution you always come with a okay and
Dennis:leah with
Leah:you're willing to discuss it
Dennis:with all due respect to you and your canadian values which are
Dennis:obviously wonderful are
Leah:Which are heavily tariffed.
Dennis:we tearing your values as well but i thought
Leah:No. I'm ready.
Dennis:you
Leah:I'm
Dennis:know
Leah:ready
Dennis:that
Leah:for it.
Dennis:we're gonna have to do a podcast on that okay let me say this there is a danger for a boss
Dennis:To come to a subordinate, even in a one-on-one and say, how can I help you?
Dennis:Now, you all may not, you may think that's a lovely statement and that's a very innocent request,
Dennis:a very innocent and helpful thing.
Dennis:I am going to tell you right now, it's dangerous.
Dennis:Do you have any reason why I might think that?
Leah:I
Dennis:How
Leah:think you're
Dennis:can I help you?
Leah:wrong.
Leah:It shouldn't be.
Leah:If it's a danger,
Leah:I'm not working for somebody who I feel it's dangerous to go and talk to.
Dennis:So how
Leah:But had those opportunities and I've said no thank you and moved on.
Dennis:can I help you? So the boss says,
Dennis:OK,
Dennis:well.
Dennis:Uh,
Dennis:uh, I'm sorry.
Dennis:The team member says,
Dennis:well,
Dennis:I need, I need you to do this, this, this, and this.
Dennis:I need you to do four things.
Dennis:All of
Leah:Okay.
Dennis:a sudden the team member becomes the damn boss.
Dennis:They're telling you what you should do.
Dennis:That's dangerous.
Leah:Oh,
Dennis:Let
Leah:my goodness.
Dennis:them figure it out. Let
Leah:That is dangerous.
Dennis:them figure out that.
Leah:You don't think it's a partnership?
Leah:You don't think that that is so sad?
Paul:That is sad.
Leah:There's no partnership?
Paul:So to me, I'm listening to this, it comes down to trust.
Paul:It comes down to what kind of trust, what kind of culture, what kind of leadership,
Paul:what kind of everything that is underlying human dynamics is going on in that business.
Paul:What is lacking?
Paul:And if you don't have that kind of trust,
Paul:and Leah, I was a little harsh on the Canadian statement,
Paul:but it is, I believe,
Paul:true in that most Americans are not going to go to their boss and say,
Paul:I need help with this and this.
Dennis:Wow.
Paul:However, if the atmosphere,
Paul:if the culture is created properly and with intention,
Paul:you can have a place in any part of the world where an employee feels comfortable going to their boss and saying.
Paul:Here's where I'm stuck.
Paul:What do you suggest?
Paul:Or here's where I'm confused.
Paul:What do you suggest? And have a dialogue more than asking,
Dennis:There
Paul:I want you to do this.
Leah:nicely
Dennis:There
Leah:like like
Dennis:are ways to do it. I agree.
Leah:are we going to get rid of now failed meetings as well because oh everybody's gagged together nobody you're not able to do anything
Dennis:Let me ask you something.
Dennis:You've attended how many in your life, how many sales meetings have you attended in your whole career?
Leah:Oh, easy.
Dennis:Thousands?
Leah:Leah:
Monday morning,
Leah:Tuesday afternoon,
Leah:Friday morning. Oh, let's throw an extra one in on Thursday.
Dennis:What's
Leah:And the they
Dennis:value?
Leah:aren't a whole
Dennis:Name the value.
Leah:other, okay,
Leah:that's a whole other topic. You're preaching.
Dennis:Well, that's what I'm talking about.
Leah:But the problem is.
Leah:If I can't talk one-on-one with the person I'm supposed to be working with for my coach, whatever little nice word you want to use for it,
Leah:if you don't have time with them and you're just with them when there's a whole glob of people around,
Leah:you're never going to form a relationship.
Leah:You're never going to feel comfortable talking to them. They're never going to be able to lead you in all the places you can go.
Dennis:So you're assuming that the one-on-one would be the only.
Dennis:contact you have with this person. I don't see it that way.
Dennis:Okay.
Dennis:I mean, I see people doing collaborative work together in sales. Sales managers oftentimes go out on sales calls with salespeople to watch them, observe them, learn the client.
Dennis:I mean,
Dennis:I'm not, but one-on-one is not the only contact you have with somebody.
Dennis:I'm simply looking
Leah:When
Dennis:at
Leah:did
Dennis:that,
Leah:I say
Dennis:well,
Leah:it was?
Dennis:Leah:
When did I suggest it was?
Dennis:you made it sound like that's the only time you could get a chance to talk to your boss.
Leah:It's designated
Dennis:Not true.
Leah:shows that I'm
Dennis:Designated.
Leah:important enough to Paul that Paul says, Leah,
Leah:I want to spend a half hour with you one-on-one.
Leah:Just the two of us talking about anything that is going on, but I have some specific things I'm going to bring up too.
Dennis:But
Leah:A one-on-one is a tool.
Leah:And if you're going to throw the hammer away,
Leah:then you know what you're going to be?
Leah:You're going to be using your screwdriver to nail that nail in.
Leah:And I've done it.
Leah:I've used a screwdriver to nail it.
Paul:So
Leah:It just works
Paul:Bill
Leah:your best.
Paul:Withers is singing in my head here.
Paul:Just the two.
Dennis:Bill Withers, eh?
Paul:Yeah.
Dennis:That's the truth.
Paul:Yeah.
Dennis:That's good.
Dennis:Should we
Leah:That's
Dennis:do a duet?
Leah:the name of their song?
Paul:No.
Leah:You two
Dennis:That
Leah:guys, it's
Dennis:was never a always good
Leah:fun
Dennis:song.
Leah:to sing on Zoom.
Dennis:So
Leah:So what's the solution here? How,
Leah:what are we solving? What are we helping people?
Leah:We're not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. That's a Canadian one.
Leah:We're just because a one-on
Dennis:boy,
Leah:-one's not
Dennis:okay.
Leah:working doesn't mean you stop it. You fix it.
Dennis:And Madam Leah, how would you fix it?
Leah:Again,
Leah:real people,
Leah:Dennis.
Leah:If I'm having a one-on-one with Paul,
Leah:it's going to be remarkably different than the one-on-one I have with you because each of you need to learn different things.
Dennis:A good old pizza.
Paul:Keep going down that road.
Paul:Hold on, Leah. Keep going down that road.
Paul:Why would it be different?
Paul:Why do we need different things?
Dennis:I,
Leah:And
Dennis:it's
Leah:as a good leader,
Leah:you need the opportunity to get to know your people, but they need the opportunity to get to know you.
Leah:That's how there's this relationship,
Leah:this back and forth.
Leah:And by having time that is structured and you can rely on it, and I'm not talking hours,
Leah:half an hour, what's happening,
Leah:what's going on, it's also an opportunity to say, hey, what's going on at home?
Leah:What's happening?
Leah:What could possibly be affecting Monday,
Paul:And beyond that,
Leah:Friday this week?
Paul:Leo,
Paul:what does a business get out of doing it that way, thinking of it that way? What do they get out of that,
Paul:out of having that constant communication?
Leah:you you will as a leader know that person's going to leave that person's not so solid this person is doing great things oh look at this is what this person is seeing your your your team becomes eyes into what it is you're trying to accomplish this is the company goal this is what i want as an owner these are people that are really working with me it's like
Leah:looking at tape if you're if you're an nfl player yes the ones that really know what's happened they're looking at tape with their coach and they're doing it as a team but they're also doing it by themselves
Paul:And Dennis,
Paul:what are you saying?
Dennis:Well,
Dennis:I'm reflecting heavily on some of the things Leah said,
Dennis:and I happen to agree that you should get to know your team.
Dennis:You should know about them.
Dennis:You don't do that in a one-on-one.
Dennis:You do that, have lunch with them,
Dennis:take their spouse and them to dinner.
Dennis:Do something.
Leah:What? Why couldn't
Dennis:That's
Leah:that be?
Dennis:not a one-on-one. No, no, no, no. A one-on-one, I'm talking about a one-on-one in a business sense.
Dennis:It's not that.
Dennis:It's not relationship
Leah:You
Dennis:building.
Leah:are too constrained,
Leah:Dennis.
Leah:You're too constrained by your definitions.
Dennis:I know, the American
Leah:I'm talking to your listeners.
Leah:If you wizardacademy.org, if it's taught me anything,
Leah:it's.
Leah:broad definitions what is it that you're trying to achieve how are you communicating and moving in that direction are
Dennis:Let's talk about a typical business one-on-one. Paul,
Dennis:you had something to
Paul:no
Dennis:add.
Paul:i was gonna say so so what i hear all of us kind of agreeing with and it so that listeners can know exactly i keep saying calling listeners to watch it we have viewers whatever uh get out of this people
Dennis:Audience, our audience,
Paul:are
Dennis:our audience.
Paul:great people
Paul:People.
Leah:Audience, people
Paul:Yes.
Leah:of the tribe.
Paul:Is one-on-ones by definition,
Paul:you know what, throughout the definition of one-on-ones, it's sitting down with people individually and getting to know them on different levels from personal all the way to business,
Paul:to education,
Paul:to understanding what's going on.
Paul:Keep doing that. Absolutely.
Paul:But do it with intention and purpose,
Paul:which I think is the same thing,
Paul:but
Leah:Yeah.
Paul:do it with intention.
Dennis:intention okay i buy that what
Leah:And changing the name,
Dennis:Leah:
I've never liked the term one-on-one. I know it's been in everything.
Dennis:should it be oh come on rename it rename it
Leah:It's just reset.
Dennis:giving it to know you well
Leah:It's, it's, it's something.
Dennis:that's not recess yeah
Paul:Let's
Dennis:yeah
Paul:have lunch.
Leah:If you don't like the name, if it's, if it feels one-on-one is like this, then change it.
Dennis:So do
Dennis:B: Yeah.
Dennis:any of your bosses ever like taking you to dinner or lunch or to have a personal conversation about you and your family as that happens?
Dennis:B: Yes.
Dennis:Is that a one-on-one? Is that a one-on-one, guys?
Leah:It better be.
Dennis:It can be.
Leah:Why wouldn't
Leah:B: It's
Leah:it be?
Leah:B: lunch.
Dennis:Okay.
Dennis:But what's the purpose of taking someone to lunch?
Dennis:Think about it. Why do you do that?
Leah:Now I'm singing that song again.
Dennis:Why do you do that?
Dennis:Okay,
Dennis:I want to bring this back to a business focused one-on-one.
Dennis:Yes, I think we agree there are different kinds of one-on-ones and there are different reasons.
Dennis:And I totally support what Leah is saying.
Dennis:The better you know your team.
Dennis:The better for all,
Dennis:for them and for you.
Leah:And that's the reason you said there's a whole bunch of reasons,
Leah:Dennis. It's not a whole bunch of reasons.
Leah:It's about forming connection.
Leah:Paul,
Leah:connection.
Leah:Is there anything more important?
Paul:Absolutely not.
Paul:That's trust. That's how you build culture.
Paul:That's how you build direction.
Leah:Yeah.
Paul:That's how you build.
Paul:We're going that way.
Leah:Okay, we're done.
Dennis:Let me finish.
Dennis:No!
Dennis:I want...
Dennis:I just want to share a framework.
Dennis:If you believe that one-on-ones for business are good,
Dennis:let me give you a couple things to think about.
Dennis:Since our last talk,
Dennis:tell me something you'd like to get better at.
Dennis:What's been harder to accomplish than you ever expected?
Dennis:What are you learning about in the last few weeks?
Dennis:about how you work best and what are your next steps what do you plan to do next okay what do
Leah:So
Dennis:you think yes
Leah:you're just talking about having an agenda for the one-on-one.
Leah:Good.
Leah:Let's do it.
Leah:Always have a reason for meeting.
Leah:We're good.
Dennis:say
Leah:But you can't
Dennis:what
Leah:use those same questions every week.
Dennis:yes you can why can't you
Paul:I was so close to saying, and that's all, folks.
Dennis:since our last talk what is something you'd like to get better at that's
Dennis:that can be done every week since we talked last week what's how's it going you said last week you wanted to get better at xyz how's
Leah:If
Dennis:it going
Leah:I know it's coming,
Leah:it's no longer doing anything because I know it's coming.
Dennis:So there shouldn't be any framework for a one-on-one, right?
Dennis:Is
Leah:Oh,
Dennis:that what you're saying?
Leah:again,
Leah:how are we going to form a connection that week? That's all you need.
Leah:Form a connection.
Leah:Move forward. Have a couple of questions.
Dennis:See, I push back big time on that because that is not the purpose.
Dennis:That is a purpose, but it's not the main purpose of one-on-one in my world.
Dennis:What is yours?
Dennis:Mind is to do exactly what those four statements just said.
Dennis:Find out what is it that they are working on that they want to excel at,
Dennis:that they want to get better at.
Dennis:What is harder?
Dennis:What are you running into?
Dennis:What obstacles?
Dennis:What are things that you didn't expect?
Dennis:How are you learning about what?
Dennis:how you work best.
Dennis:You probably learn when you do this, you work better than when you do this. Share that with me and I'll give you feedback on that.
Dennis:And what are you going to do next?
Dennis:What are you going to do next?
Dennis:That's what I want to get it out of a one-on-one.
Paul:Okay,
Paul:what is the purpose of asking those four questions?
Leah:have an agenda.
Dennis:The purpose of asking those four questions is to develop my team,
Dennis:to get them thinking about developmental issues and not just tasks.
Dennis:Well,
Leah:You don't
Dennis:I can.
Leah:care about me.
Leah:It's only business.
Leah:You don't care about me. You have an agenda and that's how you're coming across.
Leah:No wonder you want to cancel them.
Dennis:I'm shocked.
Dennis:That one you just said, how could you say, how could you honestly say that I don't care about somebody with those four questions?
Dennis:It's all about because them.
Leah:it's
Dennis:It's all about them. It's not about me. It's about them.
Leah:it's how you're going to use that information that's how you sound right now
Dennis:How am I going to use it?
Leah:You're
Dennis:Wow,
Leah:going to use us and I'm now I'm suspicious.
Leah:You're going to use it as a speed.
Leah:You're going to have a little, oh, but you said this just a guess.
Leah:Oh, yeah.
Paul:Okay.
Leah:Now I want to counsel my one on one with you.
Dennis:Paul, Paul, you've got to you've got to intervene here because this is getting that is considered to be diabolical asking those four questions.
Paul:I
Dennis:I'm going to use them against you.
Paul:know.
Paul:So I see both I'm seeing both sides because I have been in that position actually of those exact answers to those questions being used against me.
Dennis:Really?
Paul:Yes. How So
Dennis:so?
Paul:what I just wrote down, what I just wrote down is one on ones, lunches, get togethers, whatever you want to call them.
Paul:It is about creating trust and relationship.
Paul:Because if you come at me the very first day and multiple times,
Paul:Dennis,
Paul:asking me those same questions,
Paul:I start fearing, why are you asking me these questions?
Paul:What am I doing right?
Paul:What am I doing wrong?
Paul:How are you going to use it against me?
Paul:If we do not have that trust with each other yet,
Paul:you have to first build that relationship.
Paul:Then you can start asking more deeper questions to truly and honestly say,
Paul:hey,
Paul:Dennis or hey, Paul,
Paul:I'm going to ask these questions.
Paul:I want to know, honestly,
Paul:how I can best support you.
Paul:Here are the questions.
Paul:Because you can ask that question,
Paul:those questions, because you've created that trust and you've started that relationship of I am genuinely here and now I can trust you.
Paul:I'm genuinely here as Dennis to help you, Paul, succeed.
Paul:You can't do that
Dennis:So,
Paul:until you
Dennis:okay.
Paul:ask,
Dennis:Paul:
create that relationship.
Dennis:You're bringing up a predicate, a foundation,
Dennis:if you will, for any type of relationship in a business that is based on psychological safety.
Dennis:If I don't feel safe talking openly and honestly with you,
Dennis:no one-on-one, nothing is going to help.
Dennis:If I don't feel safe, so I'm writing it down right now, we're going to do a podcast on psychological safety. It happens to be one of
Leah:Okay,
Dennis:my pet projects.
Leah:because I'm leaving.
Leah:I'm now,
Leah:I'm very upset.
Leah:I need a one-on-one.
Paul:With
Leah:I
Paul:Dennis
Leah:don't
Paul:or with Paul.
Leah:need a one-on-one.
Leah:Both of you. Both of you. But I'm shocked with both of you.
Dennis:Really?
Paul:Bring it.
Leah:In a good way.
Dennis:Yeah.
Leah:In a good way.
Dennis:Wow.
Paul:We
Dennis:She's
Paul:love you, Dennis.
Dennis:all she's mad at us.
Paul:We
Dennis:What do
Paul:do.
Dennis:we do?
Leah:I'm going.
Paul:I think we're screwed,
Paul:Dennis.
Paul:I think we need to move down to Mexico.
Leah:Hey,
Dennis:Okay.
Leah:yeah,
Leah:it's coming.
Leah:That's all I'm saying.
Paul:Until next time.
Dennis:Till next fight.
Dennis:It's fight night in Canada.
